Today, I discovered why someone invented wine: they had children.
This afternoon, I decided to pack up the girls and head to the grocery store. The three of us usually make this trip together, as I really don’t have many other options. And usually, it’s not that bad. I try to make it fun for everyone, knowing full well that even with a list in hand, this field trip will take twice as long and I will still have forgotten something. We try to get a shopping cart that has a car in the front – you know the limo of all shopping carts. With the girls up front driving through the store, I try to maneuver my eighteen wheeler up and down those narrow aisles, while trying to avoid all of those perfectly stacked displays (which by the way, almost never happens. I don’t knock things over; just usually give them a good bump). If they want to wander free, I invite them to help me – getting the plastic bags for our produce (kid translation: get not just one, but at least three), putting the boxes into the cart (kid translation: throw them in), or holding and checking off our list (kid translation: art time). And if they start to get really restless, I usually will pop open a box of animal crackers or pretzels or some other treat. I am always buying at least one item open, if not two.
Anyways, we were making our rounds in the store today and Vanessa was trying to dominate both steering wheels in the car. She wanted control over the entire car. Then she wanted out. Then in. Then out. Then she found a roll of plastic bags (the ones for your produce) and decided that she wanted to unroll the ENTIRE roll. And, of course, she didn’t like it when I told her she had to stay in the car or in the basket. So that brought on “flinging body on the floor episode number one”. So I picked her up and tried to continue with our shopping, while holding onto at least a little dignity that I still had. We go around the corner to the next aisle, where I promptly run into the end display, and then Katelyn started screaming. And then, of course, Vanessa chimed in too. I bend down to try to settle WWIII. But by now, it’s not even about the other one; their internal clocks went off telling them each that “now” was the perfect opportunity to have a complete melt-down. I didn’t think that their bodies would have the same “clock” until they both reached puberty, but I guess I was wrong.
By now, Katelyn was screaming at the top of her lungs and EVERY SINGLE PERSON was staring at us. And the worse looks I got were from other moms pushing a cart with a quietly sitting child in the basket. “Why can’t she control her children? What a horrible mother she must be – she cannot even control her children in the grocery store! Why doesn’t she discipline them? Why did she even bring them to the store with her? That NEVER happens to me!” I was trying to do everything possible to remain calm and collected, but it’s a little hard to be incognito with two screaming children saying “Look at me! I am attention deprived! I just want some milk and mommy won’t buy me any!”
And rather than sit there in Aisle Three trying to have a rational conversation with a four and two year old, I do the smart thing: pick up Vanessa and drag Katelyn out of the store. And let me tell you…that was no easy task there. Vanessa was flinging her body everywhere, Katelyn decided that she couldn’t walk and I had one hand full of my reusable bags that I just couldn’t leave in the cart. Katelyn quickly realized that we are leaving the store without milk, which is what I told her we were going for, and proceeded to scream even louder and in-between the screams added “But what about our groceries? We cannot leave our groceries!” What to bet?
We struggled to get out to the car and somehow I got the girls buckled in. THANK GOD FOR CARSEATS! What a wonderful invention! Once they are buckled, they have no place to go. And once they have thrown everything within arm’s reach, including any clothing that is at all possible of being removed, they have nothing left but to sit there (and scream and cry and spit and name call, but who’s counting…they are strapped into a seat and are not going anywhere until you let them out!) .
I drove home in complete peace and silence – well, at least in my head it was. By the time we reached home, Vanessa had calmed down, but Katelyn was still going. How long can a melt-down last? Is this a record setting melt-down? I calming told her that once she was calm, I would let her out and into the house. Oh, that went over well! I’m sure many of you are completely shocked that I left her in the car, but believe me; no one would want her in that condition. And besides, she was still buckled in and couldn’t go anywhere and I was watching her the entire time, so don’t worry.
So yes, I left our cart full of food sitting in the middle of an aisle. I’m sure the store didn’t appreciate it, but I’m sure they would much rather have had us leave than to keep shopping, causing such a distraction that the rest of the shoppers left the store too quickly without spending lots of money. I have never left my cart like that before, but there was NO way we were going to get through the check-out line without blood.